Lily and James: An Epic Tale!
by yellowxxxlily
Summary: I love you! I hate you! Lets get married! Heard that line far too many times? A comical look at the classic, excuse me, epic Lily and James story. Oneshot


**Disclaimer: **The following story is written with the best of interests and the author doesn't want to offend anyone (well…that's debatable…). The plot of this story doesn't belong to the author either; it belongs to all the Lily/James shippers out there. The author is merely trying to summarize the story and save future readers from the pain of having to go through 70 or so chapters of 'I hate Potter'.

Therefore, the author asks that you do not come after her brandishing knives and pitchforks because she is a Good Samaritan at heart. (Well perhaps having someone come after me with knives would be quite interesting… add some spice to life?) The author has decided that is perfectly acceptable for you to plot against her life, as long as the knives are of the blunt variety… (Well that would be more painful…)

The author has concluded that if you do feel the need to kill her then euthanasia is a good option or perhaps you should hire a death eater to finish her off. That being said on with the story!  
**  
Lily and James Potter… What an Epic Tale!**

Since this is an epic summary, the author has decided to limit the story to one chapter. She asks for your forgiveness but feels that it will not make much of a difference since the 70 or so chapters are usually made up of 3 or 4 paragraphs, each which consist of a line, and her disclaimer is longer than half their story.

Right, so most Lily and James stories begin in seventh year. However, if the author is highly unorthodox they may begin their story in sixth year. However most of the dialog that the chapters that focus on their sixth year consist of the following:

"Evans go out with me!"

"I hate you Potter!"

"I love you Evans!"

"You're a twit Potter!"

"Evans I… (The writer of the story pulls out a thesaurus and flicks to L. We must forgive her as she has a limited vocabulary. Ah ha! She has found a synonym) adore you!"

"Potter you prat!"

Yes, I'm terribly sorry for boring you and I think that as readers you have suffered enough pain. The dialog will continue like this for the next five or so chapters till the author is finally tired of the repetitiveness.

And so we stumble upon where most classic stories begin… (Drum roll everybody! Take a guess!) The summer before seventh year! (Were you surprised? I was… not) the story is always near the end of summer because the author wants everyone back at Hogwarts so that they can all have kinky sex.

And so Lily is sitting in her room pondering over what to do. Lily is very bored and lonely. Why you may ask? Well fan fiction authors have derived the following explanations:

1) Her friends have all left to foreign countries (the reader wonders at this stage why her friends are not writing to her. The author tells them to shut up… it's her story)

2) She has no friends (the reader once again wonders why, after all in the brief glimpse of her that we saw in the fifth book she seemed to be quite popular. The author is now very frustrated with the reader and threatens to stab them with her pen)

3) The author simply says, 'Lily was bored and lonely.' We are told to imagine why and use our very high IQ's. The reader is very upset because since he began this story his IQ has dropped drastically and we are only in the first chapter.

Continuing...While Lily is 'bored and lonely' she unquestionably gets an owl.

Enter Petunia Dursley née Evans. Nobody in his or her right minds likes Petunia so she is stereotypically described as a horse with no personality whose vocabulary solely consists of the word 'freak'. 

The authors of such stories usually make sure that Petunia is the one to receive the owl so that they can display what a cow/slut/scumbag/looser/idiot (the author is referring to her thesaurus again for more insults. On a side note, you are very lucky if your author possesses a thesaurus since they are very rare in Lily/James fan fictions)

So Petunia gets the owl and KA BAM! The freakness begins! A typical sentence is as follows (sensitive readers I suggest you skip over the next line or so because it is emotionally damaging)

"You freak! Get up and get your freaking owl! What a freaking freak you freaking are. Just get the freak away from me! I'm freaking sick of freaking freaks like you! Why are you so freakly? Just freak off!"  
**Note: The author has started using the word freak as a verb. Sign of desperation and time for you to click the back button**

If you decide to carry on reading this, this is what's inevitably going to happen next: Lily opens the letter and **(shock horror gasp) **she is Head Girl. Of course, her parents are overjoyed and Petunia continues with her 'freak rant'.

Lily's first immediate thought is who is the Head Boy, and rationally she decides that it is Remus. For Remus is a bookish nerd, who is hot… very very hot. But that's in the next chapter, would you look at that, we've arrived there! 

Chapter 2 (the longest chapter in the story as you will see) is when we meet the two instrumental people in this story. Let us meet OC1. OC1 is beautiful (in case you didn't get that she is be-a-u-tiful!) The author demonstrates how beautiful she is by writing a description that is roughly two to three pages. OC1 is, by law, destined to end up with Sirius and die a tragic death. OC1 also bares a great resemblance to Sirius so she has raven hair and stormy grey eyes. She is also either Gryffindor slut/prankster/rebel/giggling idiot.

Then we meet OC2… who (you wouldn't guess!) is meant to end up with Remus. She's very clever but still beautiful… STILL BEAUTIFUL OKAY?! Calming down… after two or three pages describing her dirty blonde hair and blue eyes (hmm that reminds me of someone! The reader pauses here and wonders why you would want to go out with a carbon copy of yourself?)

The author suddenly starts hyperventilating because she hasn't described Lily/Lillian/Lilly (Okay that last one is annoying… How can you spell L-I-L-Y wrong?) And so she begins…

Oh boy! Well we can add another four or five pages here I reckon. We start from her hair. Her golden/auburn/fiery/flashing/shining/refer-to-the-thesauraus-again hair is looking even more dazzling than usual.

Her fiery (yes, everything about Lily is fiery… She is the epitome of fieryness. Yes I know that's not a word but it's a neologism. Ha! Bet you don't know what that means! The author apologizes… These fics are getting to my head) Anyway so her fiery emerald (once again it must always be emerald. The reader wonders if the author lives in a world covered by emeralds because it seems as though the author hasn't been introduced to any other shades of green. The reader also wonders why Lily's eyes can't be compared to something more ordinary like… apples? But that, it seems, is not epic enough…)

So once Lily has been glorified in all her fieryness, approximately 4-5 pages on a good day, we continue onward and meet out knights in shining armor… the Marauders!

Now it is very obvious from the beginning that the author is in love with Marauders and thinks of them as I once read "0MFG! They are sooooooooooo hottttttt! I love 'em!" (At this point, the reader shakes their head in disgust)

Here is a basic summary of the boys in the eyes of adolescent teenage girls:

Sirius Black: Ultimate sex god. All the girls are fawning over him, he's stupid, likes jumping up and down like a 7 year old and saying stupid things (admittedly some can pull this off very humorously but others… well…) He is a misunderstood soul who doesn't actually enjoy one-night stands and wants to find a stable balance. OC1 will provide this.

James Potter: Sex god number 2. All the girls love him to but he only loves Lily. He has brown/hazel/chocolate/rotten apple (yeah that's my own addition… it's still brown though!) eyes and over the summer he changed (darn we're going to here that phrase a lot!)

Remus Lupin: Sex god number 3. Bookishly handsome and always, ALWAYS, tired and weary looking. Yet… the girls still come in throngs. He secretly harbors feelings for OC2 but is scared that she'll reject him.

Peter Pettigrew: Sex go- That can't be right… Oh, yes! Peter Pettigrew is a traitor! TRAITOR! DIE TRAITOR DIE! The author hates him and therefore he is banished for the rest of the story. Where he is, you may ask. Well there are three scenarios…

1)"I'm visiting my mom," he mumbles and runs off (you're probably wondering how this works since they are on a moving train but my dear… its fan fiction!)

2)I've got to do homework," he mumbles (plausible enough but a weak reason to have him disappear for all 70 chapters)

3)"I'm going to the bathroom," he mumbles (the reader wonders how he can be in the bathroom for all 70 chapters, perhaps a bad case of diarrhea or constipation. Poor lad)

Now that all the introductions are over, we get onto dialog. Don't look so excited, it's a petty excuse for dialog.

Lily, OC's and the Marauders are all in one compartment. Lily turns to Remus and asks, "So you're head boy right?"

Remus' eyes twinkle (always twinkle!) and he says, "No I'm not."

At this point Sirius begins his 7-year-old act and jumps up and down like a heffalump saying, "Oh I know!"

Lily sighs (get used to it… she sighs a lot), "Who Sirius?"

"James!" Sirius squeals (Reader wonders why is this 17-year-old boy squealing? Is he gay? However, never would that happen because he is the authors fantasy husband… unless the author is a male, that would be disturbing)

Lily looks disgusted at this point and begins screaming at James, "POTTER YOU PRAT!" (Reader wonders whether Lily is delusional or just plain psychotic)

The other members of the compartment vanish into thin air and the two are suddenly alone. At this point James just looks apologetic and Lily finally runs out of steam and thinks (wait for it…) _maybe he's changed?"_

Lily's boyfriend with a very long name who is in Ravenclaw (Never Hufflepuff because they're pushovers and not Slytherin because they're just plain evil) usually interrupts them. He is coincidentally also Quidditch captain so James and him have a rivalry.

Chapters 3-70 may consist of the following:

**A Ball: **James and Lily have to dance together at a ball (What ball the reader questions? In canon, there was only a Yule Ball during the Triwizard tournament and that's once every five years! The author pats the reader on the back in a condescending manner. 'Don't you know silly child? At Hogwarts, we have Christmas Balls, Easter Balls, Halloween Balls, Monday Balls, It's-Sunny-Today Balls etc…)

The author spends a great deal of time describing Lily's green (ALWAYS GREEN!) dress that is both flowing and tight at the same time and seems to defy the laws of gravity. Lily realizes that James _has changed _and they hook up.

**Hogsmead: **Lily will go to Hogsmead with OC1 and OC2, they will come upon the Marauders minus Peter who is visiting his mom/doing homework/sitting on the toilet, and they decide to walk around together, much to the dismay of Lily. Slowly Sirius and OC1 will drift off to go snog passionately and Remus and OC2 will have an intelligent conversation that the author cannot write because it is beyond her mental horizon.

This leaves… James and Lily (Ta duh!) They decide to wonder around Hogsmead and there is a lot of "tension" and "electricity" in the air. They stumble into The Three Broomsticks and find Lily's boyfriend with a very long name cheating on her with a Slytherin. (Reader wonders why you would cheat on somebody in such an obvious place _but_ it is fan fiction!)

James comforts Lily and she realizes that _he's changed _(wow you're good!) and so she starts kissing him passionately.

**Midnight Confession:** This is a very common way of releasing all feelings. And it can be done in two ways:

1) Lily is sitting in the Heads Common Room very late at night and is pondering over how awful her life is. She's head girl, she's pretty, she's smart and she's popular but 'she doesn't feel whole' or there is a 'void in her being' or alternatively 'she is depressed'.

James miraculously appears and, even though she hates him, she confesses all her insecurities and 'wabra cadabra' they fall in love because Lily has decided that James has _'changed over the summer' _(How'd you know?!)

2) Lily and James are patrolling at midnight (midnight is a very important time folks! All sorts of naughty kids are out of bed then and it's perfectly acceptable for the two Heads to have to patrol so late. Fan Fiction remember!)

Lily either:

a)stumbles and falls into a broom closet and she James make out like it's going out of fashion

b)she is walking along the passage and it suddenly strikes her that James has (all together now folks!) changed over the summer

**Alternatively:**

1) All of Lily's friends are tired of her and James fighting. Lily's friends and the Marauders will conspire to either get them together or place some sort of bet to help get them together.

2) James/Marauders/Lily's friends will tell her off for being a perfectionist bigot who hates James for no good reason. This will help her come around and realize she immediately loves him.

3) They will look at each other and the conversation will go as follows:

"Potter I hate you," Lily spat

"I love you Evans and I don't care if you hate me!"

"But why?!" Lily said sighing (sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh!)

"Because you're… _enter 5 page description given at the beginning of the book. Fieryness!_  
Lily looked at James and suddenly realized that she didn't hate him, "I love you too James."

**On a serious note,** the reader wonders if this is the type of conversation, the author has with their friends. If so the reader is very worried and suggests that, the author goes and has a nice nap and goes to conversation classes. **Back to the story…**

James will look surprised and then they kiss passionately and Lily apologizes for all the times she called him a prat/toerag/twit/all-other-slightly-british-sounding-insults-the-author-found-in-her-thesaurus

James will accept the apology and Lily will say something like, "Make love to me!" or "Let's elope!" Reader wonders yet again what sort of life the author has. What sane person gets married 5 minutes into a relationship, perhaps Britney Spears but she's bald and in rehab…

The two** finally** get together, because (one last time everybody) _'he changed over the summer' _and the reader lets out a sigh of relief. Lily and James, Sirius and OC1, Remus and OC2, and Peter on the toilet live happily ever after!

But alas, it is not so simple; the author begins the sequel… but that dear readers that is another story!

**AN: **Congratulations if you've gotten this far! I hope you enjoyed it but the idea to do a parody came to me last night as I was trying to think of something to do with my L/J story and I realized that I'd just read the same thing way too many times and I wanted my fic to be different which I hope it will be.   
Also this story really isn't meant to offend anyone, I've read brilliant stories on this site that have done ALL the things I just mentioned and I still enjoyed them immensly.

P.S: Only euthanasia and Death Eaters... No knives and pitchforks!


End file.
